Stepchildren can add a lot of unexpected joy to a second
marriage; but the addition of household members also increases divorce rates by
5-10% across the board. While almost 50% of adults have some form of
step-relationship within their family, most new stepparents still feel buried
at one point or another with worries regarding parental responsibilities.
Pre-Marriage Responsibilities
You’ve fallen hopelessly in love with your impending new spouse and he with you. While it would be lovely for an instant bond to be made with his children, that simply can’t and shouldn’t always be the case. And there’s nothing wrong with you or them if that’s not happening. You are not their parent. Your impending spouse is. Respect should be instant on both ends, but there may be a lot to learn before a true bond can form. Therefore, discussion is imperative before the wedding bells ring.
Just as you’ve undoubtedly learned about her needs and desires, you must also learn about her children. Assuming both parents are involved, regardless of the custodial or visitation legalities addressed and agreed upon between the biological parents, the plan is for you to be a permanent fixture in their lives. The best way to ensure that happens is to find out directly from both sides what the house rules and requirements are prior to saying your vows.
Your Role as a Stepparent
Take an active and yet relaxed role, breathe, and accept the fact that you will make mistakes. Try to connect with your spouse’s ex. Certainly that’s often easier said than done; but a comfortable relationship between the ex and current (or soon-to-be) spouse can ensure a smoother family transition and lead to a happier and a healthier childhood for Junior.
Put your impending spouse on the hot seat. Make it clear you’re open for "parenting" suggestions and tips from the source. Take notes, listen, and watch how both (when applicable) parental sides interact with the most important people in their lives – their kids. Ask questions regarding expected or accepted discipline and assertiveness on your part. Make your partner give recent and regular examples of how and when you need to back off and allow the bio parents to intercede. Then apply what you’ve learned.
Expect failure, embarrassment, and compromise. Your new step kids are emotional beings. Smiles and nods may happen in front of mom and dad. But once those heads are turned, the halos will likely sprout horns. Regardless of the age of the children, they will be waiting for you to make a major mistake they can run with. Remember this isn’t about you as an individual. It’s about the person you married. Help make or keep your spouse happy and their children will in turn love you…eventually.
Stepparenting by Age
Feel free to talk to your, or your soon-to-be spouse’s Macomb County, Michigan, divorce lawyer regarding step-parenting tips and strategies. They may even have one-on-one experience or knowledge with the kids themselves. But if that's not the case, the following basics may be helpful:
In general, younger children may not even realize much has changed since mommy and daddy divorced. Therefore, the family transition may be quite easier than it is for school age and teen bearing households. The latter two may offer a significant challenge, pulling on guilt and playing the biological parents against each other as well as against you. Change can be confusing, especially to children. They need to know that while you are, or are becoming, an integral part of their family, you are not a replacement for their mother or father. Even if they insist they know that, it’s still important that they hear it and you say it regularly.
All too often new stepparents of adult children believe all will work out fine and the above guidelines do not pertain to them. They couldn't be more wrong. Adult children may be separated by distance or have their own lives; but they still love their biological parents and deserve the appropriate respect from you.
Try to get to know them on a personal level while making it clear your priority is your spouse’s happiness. At this point in the game, they’re likely all too aware of their parents’ cohabitation woes and simply want to see mom or dad smiling more often. If you’re the cause of that, there’s little doubt they’ll love you as well.
Regardless of age or situation, pre-planning; all-inclusive, mature adult discussion; and keeping level emotions across the board will help ensure your new family is happy and healthy 'til death do you part. Talk to Femminineo Attorneys to get support through your divorce.
Femminineo Attorneys
Michigan Divorce Help
110 S Main St #200
Mt Clemens, MI 48043
United States
(586) 954-9500
http://www.michigandivorcehelp.com/
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